Tujhse Naaraz Nahi Zindagi ..Hairaan Hoon Main..

The most intriguing part of life is that it goes on.. don’t know how.. right from getting over the reluctance of getting up at 6 to go to work.. to maintaining a healthy life, eating, exercising, to having a decent conversation without falling asleep in between .. everything seems hard these days, everything seems a chore.

I cannot fathom my life without the people I cherish the most, who I love and who love me back.. but the stress, the frustration, the daily agony is straining each and every relationship I treasure. There is a unexplainable distance, which seems non-existent at times but at other times its seems so huge that I am lost.. but life goes on..

I am the most tired, fatigued, exhausted (and all the synonyms you can find to express the feeling of almost dropping dead).. But yet, from an unknown source of energy, I wake up and dress up and drive to the train station, fearing what might be lying ahead in the day that will push me off the cliff.. the cliff of sanity to the abyss of irreproachable miserable insane depression... but then the day goes on, passes by and I come back to sanity of my home and life goes on....

Not to mention the lovely weather that's around these days.. when its not sunny that the skin burns, its gloomy .. gloomy enough to give me a heartache.. and when its not gloomy, its cold.. like the heart of Ebenezer Scrooge (Christmas Carol) .. but then life still goes on , no matter what the sun looks like..

We discover moon has water and mars can be inhabited and so we continue to destroy earth. We discover more and more ways to warm car seats and then make them perishable, we get diseases, we find cures, and then find that the cures give rise more complex diseases.. we get depressed for little things, and then be brave on the face of crisis.. we counter everything that ever happened around us and find a way to still get up and walk around like nothing happened.

Is there anything more intriguing than that? Life just goes on, just like the show that goes on.. that's possibly the only explanation why I take life so granted, I sleep and awake with predictability.. I think we as a human race have found balance in just about everything.. and as I read in a certain powerful ideological book.. "Even if the Sun weren't to rise, I am sure we will invent a substitute" . We will do everything to just make life go on...

Main Khayyal Huin

Main khayyal huin --- Means I am a thought..and yes I did flick the dialog off an old epic serial aired on TV when I was a kid.. every episode used to start with "Main samay huin.." meaning I am time.. its after the passive viewer of every life on this and other universes. On the other hand there is a thought.. very much active alive.. thriving in everyone's mind... frolicking from a definite form to a random thought and then blowing itself to an indefinite sphere.. and then.. reality comes forth and u realize how difficult it is to trace back the trail of thoughts that occurred.. where did it all start.. and where have I come to? Which one to be.. the thought of course.. just for the reason that its simpler..

There are too many things in the world to think about... is it a surprise then that a thought is more random than the most random noise that can be found in the current wireless comm systems.. hmm.. so let me start off on one...I have often begun thinking about happiness and laughter.. and the pleasant things that I have had in life.. and end up getting depressed.. hmm interesting isn't it that I end up at exactly 180 degrees across from where I begun..

Well.. its true isn't it that life is like a sine wave.. once high once low.. but then isn't body a system and the mind its controller. No matter where the pointer of life is on a crest or a trough, mind always makes sure it remains at DC... not moving anywhere..hmm interesting .. but only in thought.. not in reality.. it takes tremendous effort to be a passive observer of your own self and control the moves you make. But the truly great manage to do that.. I wish I knew the secret to success in E control.. and that's E for emotion.. not E for energy!! and then of course the classic question that I ask myself every time I try to practice it.. " Is it really that necessary that I exhibit control.. isn't life meant to be lived?" and so.. I am a thought..