Gham se ab ghabraana kaisa...

... Gham sau baar mila... Thats what gurudutt sang in pyaasa..may be thats true.. and more so in my case.. Met with an accident two weeks back.. and its changed things, no not physically but it was a rude push into the real world for me. I was living in my own sweet dream sequence that never had serious life threatening issues.. where nothing can shake a person.. its all in the mind... ya it still is.. but now I know.. things are not as simple as my mind had conceived them to be. But why that title you might wonder.. well my car accident was followed the next week by another accident this time with hot water. Two accidents and a couple of lectures from friends later my mind at least has started questioning itself...Lemme start at the very beginning.

It was a gloomy cloudy day.. never wanted to start to office in the first place.. the very begining of my mental inertia.. but reluctantly woke up.. and dressed shabbily for office and started out. It was raining and I was thinking , can't quite remember what.. it was never that important that I don't notice a red light fall infront of me.. I saw it.. I stared at it.. and lo behold.. I did not stop..I did not react.. I saw a car come from my left and again.. I did not react.. kept staring at it.. and then I banged into it... my mind the inert.. was just watching all this happening.. I went and banged a pole.. and then let out a shout.. Screamed and airbag burst on my face. hit the dashboard.. and thats it.. I knew it was over.. and still I feel that was a condition reaction to scream... my mind was in inertia all through.. why was that .. can't explain.. why did I not break? why did I not stop even when I saw another car approaching? Why? Was it the rain? I guess not.. It was my mind.. which I sincerely believe was not ready to come into the present.. just stayed in a "sleep mode".

And then the ordeal began.. with million calls to insurance agents.. Well thats not quite it.. I got away with only some ordeal.. but eventually all that matters is that I am back with a car and my faith in humanity is replenished fully.. thanks to my insurance agent and the accident and insurance investigator! I do have someone else driving though.. But its surprising that I survived.. and more surprising that I did not 'feel' it when I was actually involved.. it was after it was over that I realized what I did and the magnitude of it...it was I was watching myself from a distance go bang into a car and a pole. What was going on in my mind? I dont know.. it was emptiness in the mind and numbness in the body..although there was no physical harm all that there was a mental pang of guilt mixed with hordes of dreams of mental atrophy..

Hardly had I recovered from that I poured some hot tea over my self.. and burnt my skin so bad it still hurts... and why was that? Again the inertia.. I was not even thinking this time.. it get progressively worse I guess...there I was drinking and it was too hot even to sniff and I tried placing it on a table it spilled over me and I lay there still.. staring.. and then i got up and put a cream.. the absolutely wrong thing to do when you have burns!! I learnt it the hard way.. First Aid has never been my forte.. but still common sense should've been. I was at least conscious enough to call my friend and ask her what to do.. she said no ointments just cold water.. and volunteered to call the emergency for me... and I stared down at the lump of ointment I applied..washed it off while the emergency arrived... Three shots of morphine and loads of painkillers later.. it dawned on me..and I questioned again .. what was I thinking? and the answer is anyone's guess.. nothing.. nada.. nil.. why? Why does the mind go wandering when you need it the most? Why does it go into lapses when it needs to concentrate more.. it goes into sleep mode stays there.. refuses to change state..but why?

Unanswered questions ... but one thing is for sure I am not afraid.. yes there is the inherent fear of the unknown and the prayer that this not happen again.. but apart from that .. I am used to it now! .. and again this might be a game that the mind is playing... going back into the state where it thinks nothing matters.. pain, agony, ecstasy, sorrow, happiness.. none of it makes a difference.. its inert!