Ghar aaja pardesi....

Hmm.. home sweet home.. but where is it? ..I wonder often, where is home.. is it the place you were born in? is it the place your roots trace back to? Is it the place you reside in.. where .. it can be quite a confusing and emotionally challenging if all of them are different and in different countries even... and in the current generation there are increasing number of people who are that way.. I did think home's the place you miss the most when you are away.. but that is not the entirety.. may be is the one that is closest to your heart.. but isn't fair to let go of the rest.. sometimes I feel I am being rude when I think that the home I decorated with my own hands is the closest.. there are my other homes that are equally close..one that holds memories of my childhood.. and another which helps me understand my true identity as an Indian.. the soil is dearest to my heart.. and yet I want to return to the home in US..as I am so used to it now and its customised to my comforts..Never thought that this would be so confusing..

I did try.. aka Karan Johar's/Yash Raj film's ishtyle.. close my eyes and think.. and the one I love the most.. alas.. never works the way it works for them in the movies.. sometimes I even get the famed portabello (75 million house in California) in my mind's eye.. and I don't even own it..and yet its there..perhaps my dream home.. Nicest part of having so many homes is that my memoirs have variety..the one thing that spices up life.. whenever i am bored with one home i just go on to the other.. vacation.. change and then i am in love with it all over again..

Isn't life full of hurdles and troubles all the time.. so much of inconsistency in mankind.. that you need something that can stick in mind as a constant.. never changing.. and that's your memory of home.. something that has been a solid (literally) pillar of support!! If you are still wondering why all the fuss suddenly about home.. its vacation time!! time to go back in search of your favorite home with favorite memories and loads of laughter and happiness....

Happy Holidays....!!

Naam Bade Aur Darshan Chote...

Yes.. the world around me does remind me constantly of this song that I used to often hear on my Dad's Old Hindi Songs collection... "Bholi surat dil ke khote, Naam bade aur Darshan chote" a cry of frustration when one is duped by the dangerous hype that completely evades the actual truth.. this is prevalent in every walk of life.. there is famous saying that goes "Empty vessels make more noise" no one seems to be realising that these days... It might have started years/eons ago.. but has taken a different and for-the-worse twist now.. and as someone great I know said.."We are living in perilous times darling.. The World belongs to Bullshitters". Oh God .. what wouldn't I do to keep things straight forward.. instead of playing with words so much that they eventually mean nothing..all though this has been existing from long long time.. the frustration with such people came back with vengeance not too long back... and with a movie called "Saawariya" ... in two words.. terrible disappointment.. I have read white nights.. and expected the director to do some justice.. as the story itself has not much in it.. its all the characters... and the melancholic wait of the lady and then the man..its not about innocent love.. its about the passion in their wait... he has all his priorities wrong in the movie.. took some really straight forward people and complicated them to hell.. played with hysteria and voila... saawariya.. oh and by the way the 40 crores that were wasted on this movie.. and Sanjayji asks "I have visuals.. and I have good songs .. what else does the audience want" .. How unassuming!! Hah! Does he think his audience is as dumb as him.. Good Lord made a soft romantic short story into a nightmare.. this could have as well been done on a pretty bridge by the dal lake even.. and would have been a hit had he stuck to the book... but alas.. had to waste crores... can never get over that fact.. I am not against using opulent sets.. no way.. I am probably the most ardent fan or art directors.. people who are constantly ignored.. and the art is good.. only when substantiated by equivalent goodness and soundness in story, direction, action... Alas.. we don't live in that world anymore.. and what hurts me even more.. is that people actually think its a master piece.. It took me a galore of Hrishikesh Mukherji's movies to get me back to normalcy..

And just when I was recovering.. bullshitters strike back with a vengeance... and I realized that they do this more often than any supervillian in a comic book does..In a certain class I take I came across this one person who speaks.. and oh my does he speak.. anyone with even an ounce of knowledge of the subject will know that its bull shit! but he chooses his victims carefully.. and talks about the subject as though he's known it all of his life.. the truth is nada...nothing at all.. nor knowledge, nor facts.. but yet people listen to him with rapt attention as though he is some Guru... I did feel like walking up and yelling and saying.. wait.. this is not real stuff.. he's just speaking for the sake of it... not real matter.. And I would have if sense had not prevailed over me.. but that was not the end.. a certain professor I spoke to replies to a query when asked what is the value of this constant? It could be N .. it could be N+1.. it could be anything.. its more important that you understand that it could be anything than thinking perse what it could be actually...." Grrr.. the truth there was that the constant could and should take one and only one values else the whole theory is annulled! I did not know whether to break into tears or laughter... and the philosopher who created the "may be" theory... that proposes that man should never be certain about anything.. even the plain visible facts.. no the grass may be green, pink or blue.. you never know... yes but what is visible to you, there should be some absolutes somewhere.. axioms of which you derive and propose theories.. they may be disproved.. but then there is another axiom that has come into picture that has disproved it.. there has to be a fixed point somewhere..

But what happens to all these people in real life? The student gets a job offer in a reknown company even before he can complete his first year .. the professor has got an opportunity in a another univ and left ours (thank God for that ).. and millions of copies of the book by that the "may be" philosopher are sold... why?? covering things in ambiguity has become a fad these days .. a person in a job is not told his exact responsibilities.. why because they don't simply know.. throwing terms around and shrouding them in ambiguity.. and laugh around at people who stand up against it and demand clarity "Hah.. you don't understand us??" Why can't people be simple and straight forward.. everything would be so clear if one just said straight forwardly.. this is what it is.. this is what you should do.. else a simple I don't know... lets find out... Its as simple as that.. if its not.. we'll tackle layer by layer.. but if the issues, facts, nothing is straight what can one do? except.. sing the way I did "Bhole surat dil ke khote, naam bade aur darshan chote"... and thus the world disappoints me...as I await the day when questions like "are you living? do you exist" come up with the answer "may be... who knows.. nothing is certain.."

Suhana Safar... Final part

Don't we always feel that the time should stop in its tracks when we are truly enjoying something, be it the company of a person or of nature, you just wish you could just freeze the moment and stay with it...yes I know there are photographs that you capture and keep it as a memoir for lifetime.. never let go, but then thats not the same as being in the moment for ever and ever more, thats the same feel I had when I was touring the cliffs and valleys at the Waimea canyon right upto the starting cliffs of Na'pali coast, the kalalau lookout. Honestly speaking, I felt for all my life's worth that this (the lookout) was truly the world's last piece of land, and I had actually reached the Horizon itself..the point where the sky meets the earth... don't take my words for it, look at the pics below.. you'll see for yourself that you can't distinguish the sky from the ocean.. they look like a continuum. Reminded me of the lyrics of an old hindi song.. "Yeh aasmaan jhuk raha hain zameen par, yeh milan humne dekha yahin par"





























Waimea was just like grand canyon of Arizona with lot more vegetation..and loads of pinapple stalls right at the parking area... and God the pineapples did taste divine! You never get such tasty ones ever in the Mainland.. makes a hell lot of difference how and where these fruits are grown I guess! It was slightly drizzling, which made the place misty and foggy like London weather.. rather Hampshire I'd say.. it was afterall more like country side than like a crowded city! but this really made the place look more romantic and just gave you that warm and mushy feeling!



There is a lot more adventure to this place than plain tours there's hiking, surfing, snorkeling, other rides but just not enough time .. there never is.. as I was saying right in the beginning, if there is something you really truly enjoy then there is never any time or space to get enough of it , but I have a theory that the universe conspires to bring what you want the most back to you when wish for it with utmost sincerity.. and thats the only thing that held me when I was returning home from Kaua'i, the hope that I would return to this place, sometime again, and prayed that the place remains as pristine and as pure as my memory holds it... the bluest of the blues, and the greenest of the greens with a tinge of Mai Tai and Tahitian fire torches and the famed Hanalei moon.....

Suhana Safar Part II

Interesting fact about Hawaii is that 2/3rds of Kauai used to be Sugarcane plantations and lots of coffee plantations, tea is not new to this place either. Alas, the old fashioned Kauaiians lost against the new hi-tech machinery and ample labor available in countries like China in producing sugar. So of all the plantations that had once flourished, whats left is just two plantations in the whole of Hawaii. The next day was fun.. Kauai is full of surprises especially in weather, the island has 10 degrees of variation from one part to another..the North shore is the prettiest, but most often the wettest, where as the south is as dry and sunny as it can get, the reason being the huge mountains that block out the clouds up in the north, the is the wettest spot on earth is situated right here, its called the Mt. Waialeale, the only other spot that manages to reach its average sometimes is Chirapunji in India.

Far beyond, the one mountain in the clouds is the wettest spot on earth.

So hoping that the weather stays clear, I set out to explore the island .. in ishtyle.. by air.. One of the most popular things to do in Kauai..and perhaps the one that is really worth all the money spent on it! The island is small, but has too many ridges and cliffs that commuting by road can show perhaps just half the island, for a grand view of things air is the best. And so I embarked upon the journey, least did I know that it would be such a breathtaking experience.

North East Shoreline.

Headed south to north through west and back to the east side where we had flown from. I was speechless, I thought the west side was amazing with a smaller version of the Grand Canyon called by Mark Twain as the "Grand Canyon of the Pacific" but the visuals that awaited me at the Na'pali Coastline were simply marvelous, at that time my mind was numb with excitement, but later I realized that these were places that were pristine because they were devoid of any human activity the pure air, the clear water, the clean beach, that's how I've always wanted beaches to be. Its not bad that the beaches have people, but its the fact that they eventually lose respect for nature that irks me, but well thats me, not many believe the same.

I was given a traditional kukui nut shell lei, these nuts take three years to grow and once they are harvested the shells are used for decoration and the nut is a delicacy. I was sad that the ride had come to an end but I was taking back not just the photographs but memoirs of perhaps the prettiest of the beaches and the pristine of the valleys.


Night life is not much in this island, but what I found interesting was there is a traditional ceremony of story telling by the natives, the whole thing started with them roasting their traditional dish (pork) in an Imu or their underground oven. They call upon the gods to bless the food and then after a scrumptious dinner put up a show, with their hula girls and surprisingly hula boys too, this is called the Luau. I went only for the show as I has dinner in another interesting place called "Blossoming Lotus" where they had dishes from all over the world, like Mahatma Moong dal, I thought that was hilarious than offending to the Gandhians, but I'm not really too fond of him so I cared lesser, went in for the Greek Aphrodite salad too, which was really good, but the best was the Mediterranean one and the bread made of lotus shoots. These dishes were a rarity and I thoroughly enjoyed them.

The show itself was great, but my only complaint was the native dancers were a bit on the fatter side.. (well that's really an understatement but I am trying to be nice for a change) well the stories were interesting though.. about the Goddess of Volcano who cursed and killed he God of Love 'coz he liked a mortal girl than her and how the other Gods felt pity on the li'l girl and got the God of Love back, but for the sake of her tears, and to make the memory of her love permanent a flowering plant grew in the valley where she'd sit and mourn, and its believed even till today that whenever someone plucks the flower off that plant, rain comes pouring down like crazy, and since it is after all the wettest spot on earth, one can't really disprove that theory! We had some exotic Tahitian dances too and thankfully these girls were thin and good looking! :) The show ended with some fire eating and dancing with firesticks kinda stuff which really looked amazing on that moonless dark night!


Well Good food and good endings always fill my heart. I retired to bed, the next day was my last day there, and I was gonna go on a long winding trip to the famed canyon and kayak and hike up the sacred Wailua river to the waterfalls where Jurassic Park was shot... Long day ahead and my eyes were drooping with sleep, wanting to preserve all they saw through the day....

Suhaana Safar...Part I

We all deserve a break, we probably don't realize, but most of us slog days together without realizing that we are stressed, reduced by 10 pounds and are on the verge of a nervous or stressed breakdown every other month! But the human mind is immune, it knows when not to give up.. try testing it sometime, if there is an important exam or event, no matter how tired you may be you'll still be able to run around and do work... and the minute the gates are closed..the body wants to just slump down and have a good night's sleep. Its nice to give the mind and body some rest ... I decided to do the same... in exotic style that too.. So I set out to the nearest exotica...and I dont mean the nearest bar to booze on some caribbean blue margaritas... no.. I set out to Kaua'i.. the the most pristine of the Hawaiian Islands..

Known popularly as the Garden Island, it lives up to its name, lush green on all sides with the bluest of waters.. a treat to the eyes.. I had an ocean view room booked for myself.. One must indulge in luxuries sometimes..and it was worth it... there is something ethereal about having the vastness of the ocean in your backyard that makes you feel on the top of the world.




Now I am a backpack kinda person.. so I hadn't really rented a car.. besides its a small island , 25 miles in diameter and 90 miles in perimeter.. who needs a car.. lets walk.. I told myself when I got into the hotel room. I was more than happy to see that there was a shopping center right behind the hotel, bracing the beach and the coconut palms.. No bliss exceedth the shopping spree for thee O woman I told myself and set out to explore... my happiness lasted exactly for 10 minutes... it does not take long for one to realize that everything is over rated and expensive in there.. I wondered why... I could get the same stuff for dirt cheap in China Town of San Francisco... why would I wanna come so far to buy things made in China/Korea/Fiji? Hmm.. I frowned and carried on.. it was still too sunny on the beach, I needed to spend a few hours before nestling between the rocks on the beach..Shop after shop had few things that were interesting, and none that were inexpensive.. all that roaming around made me quite hungry.. and I was almost sure I would never find anything veggie in the island.. its afterall covered on all sides by fish and wild boar in the forests! Who'd want veggies? I had given up on meat long back, as a kid, much to the shock of my parents...




But what shocked me (pleasantly though) was that the all the eat outs had a category called "vegetarian" not vegan as I am mostly confused for in this land of blondes waitresses, and I have to painfully explain each time the difference, but this was really a surprise that there were veggie pizzas, sandwiches, lasagnas .. all you can eat.. and these as I sighed in relief were not expensive!

The Chef at the Aloha Pizza Place (its honestly as small as the chat bandaar's in India are!) was a Philippine Native and told me that Kauai's main profession used to be farming, they have more varieties of hybrid plants than any other place and their traditional dessert is a sweet potato or taro root mashed and spiced with cinnamon! I could not believe it.. I was intrigued.. and so I made myself comfortable on the nearest table to the kitchen and listened to the old man's tales of the Old Hawaiian Island......

Jo Dargaya... Samjho woh margaya....

I was watching this serious detective movie the other day.. and when I say serious, I really mean it, the one in which there is the security of the nation involved and the good people are trying their best to avoid a major disaster from happening.. hmm if you are thinking on the lines of Dr. Dang and the Karma movie sequences.. naa its not that glamorous... this movie was showing the ugly part of investigative techniques... and I was reminded of the time when I wanted to be a secret agent :) we all want to be at some point ... its the glitter that attracts us... but as far as I can recall when I was younger... much younger I really thought I had it in me to face the odds too... especially the torture techniques... the gritty nail pulling or the Chinese water drop where they let cold water fall on your head, drop by drop and u are tied up and helpless.... can get really annoying and frustrating...trust me... or for that matter any of those cheap dirty tricks.. (Lets just skip the details) ...

Things have changed and how! I can't bear to even see them on screen these days.. I have become quite a stickler to cleanliness and I have become more sensitive .. rather oversensitive to the things that happen to me and around me.. it scares me to think that I could at one point in my life think that people could twist the tissue out of my nose, and I'd still keep a secret! I think I'd be singing the moment they pull my nose .. (not really), but my hypothesis.. is that with age people become weaker at heart.. lose immunity to torture.. there really were times when I used to have a big gash on my knee when I'm back home after playing with the "gang" .. and not a drop in my eye... now it hurts like hell when I cut my hand .. I still don't cry... but I feel the pain... I used to be insolent and proud of my wound... like all those Army Jawans, showing off their scars..I got this in the 1951 war!! my threshold for pain has for certain deteriorated... but is it just that? I questioned myself.. no I am now a days anxious about everything.. exams, driving, future...!

Well anxiety does come with age, I for one believe that kids are more courageous and more willing to experiment with life that the older lot, and should too as they are at the threshold of discovering their ideals, their principles and what they'd like to stick to for eternity...once the decision is made.. we should have the courage to stick to them...but coming back to pain..and fear, its just lack of training... had I trained my mind to face the pain.. I would and beautifully so, coz the mind does that... it does not let anything hurt it, there are so many people that have said so many things that could have broken and shaken my very foundations of thought, but its there and still thinks the same way it decided to think years back... but not the body.. it has become more susceptible to the attacks from around the world..unfair isn't it..? I used to stay up all day all night without food at one point to work and finish the task.. not that I was giving up food.. but the thought used to never occur to me... but after regularizing my eating habits, I become irritable if i don't eat on time... simple things... but they do culminate into a bigger intolerance of torture...

Training though can do wonders... its all up there in the brain... being immune to pain come only and to the strong willed and the people who practice it honestly! As for me, I dont think the FBI or someone more glamorous than that may be MI5 has any positions open for me :) so I'll leave the pain and torture techniques to my nightmares... but one thing I'd like to keep though is the thought that there is nothing to fear, but fear itself... conquer it and you'll face the world with a more confident and brighter attitude day after day...

Pyar ke liye.. char pal kam nahin hain!

Attachment! .. And I am not talking about the ones that you send in the email and are restricted to 10 MB size! ..its the emotion that knows no bounds.. Its evil.. people say.. I think its the most wonderful concoction of mind.. second only to the feeling of love.. and according to me... you can never get over the things u are attached to.. can't grow out of it unless you want to! Love is worse.. you can't grow out of it and if its missing you can't live with the fact either!

Attachment creates the want for life in you, there is a reason behind everything you do.. and that's attachment! Its preached that one should be detached.. and let go of this maya called world.. but then .. that should be done in totality.. only if you know its worth can u detach it.. If i say I quit eating.. I should know what satisfaction I get when I satiate my hunger... when I say I want to quit the act of sex then I should know what pleasure it gives.. it should be mine first to give it up.. and that's where attachment comes.. unless I have attached myself in this life to this materialistic world and be materialistic myself, I will not be able to give it up.. true detachment is completely different from what the people practice now... I don't like drinking.. so I am detached from it.. I think love is crap so.. I am great as I am detached from it.. That's cowardice! One should try to understand the fine line between detachment and "I don't care" attitude.. The true wise man is the one who has seen it all and can quit.. by quitting early in life you are only thinking that you are great.. but the truth is that you are cheating yourself!

Nirvana comes from conscious effort.. not by unconscious ignorance.. And so I deem attachment as the most important ingredient of ones lifetime.. all of us should have something we want passionately.. some thing we want to attach and associate ourselves with.. whether we want to detach ourselves from it is a question that will need to be eventually answered..whether we want to become like a sage ourselves.. how soon that question comes depends on what stage of the life - death circle you are in.. I was surprised to see someone who is younger than me .. taking pilgrimage out of choice... you are what you are as a virtue of your birth.. not where you are born into and how you are born into or whom...which is the reason why now in this generation caste creed and religious beliefs are based on individual rather than the society.. a plumber's son is no longer a plumber.. he can be a doctor.. similarly the maturity in thought and the consciousness of action comes through the life times.. but at this stage.. I am born with some purpose on earth.. and I am still not able to give up eating or drinking.. does this mean I should be partial and say I should give up pure and guiltless enjoyment too? Especially of loving someone and being able to say that I am attached to that person so much I can't let go?

Its plain faced fact that people are terribly confused when it comes to matters of heart.. especially crushes, infatuations, attachments and love.. they never question themselves.. never find reasons.. and hence the confusion.. Ask yourself once before you associate the emotion of attachment or love.. do I really want this person? If you feel the gap.. if you feel uncontrollable tears at the loss or if your mind goes blank when you think what u'd do without him/her/it.. then you will know that you really want.. and not "need" that person..

Attachment based on want is much more than attachment based on need.. relationships are longer (I've seen from experiences) .. Think about it, when I question myself.. do I really need that person.. your answer will be no! 'coz you don't need anyone to survive on this world.. every person is wrapped individually and is quite self contained and can survive all alone without difficulty.. but when I question myself, do I want this person, I am sure to get an affirmative answer.

All in all.. its great to want someone or something in life.. gives you a reason to be the way you are.. do the things you do..! like how Om puri says in Pyar to hona hi tha "Zindagi mein sabhi ko ek bar pyar karna chahiye.. It makes life beautiful" I say .. doesn't necessarily need be a guy..or gal.. just anything.. even your country.. or your little chihuahua...but love something.. and love it for a reason!

Kya yehi pyaar hai...

Its summer time and the sun sets at 9 pm... and its bright and hot till then..restricting my usual free spirit which asks me to roam around the town and discover new shopping venues..yes its there in me too.. the common streak found in any girl of any origin... the shopping mania! But this isn't about that.. With all the restrictions from weather in place.. I am spending more time watching stuff on the net than anything else.. And I come back.. to my favorite reality show..Indian Idol (Desi i.e other wise I love the old UK game show Crystal Maze). In one of the recent episodes.. the third gala round, Emon, the perceivably best singer in the group got nailed very badly by the judge Anu malik.. Why.. because he is conscious of the fact that he sings good... and he had to apologize for that.. What world are we living in? The world that condemns us for even being conscious of what we are good at? Is it really a sin to be happy and confident about our abilities? Its pathetic that one has to be guilty of ones goodness.. let alone loving ones positives.. while being aware of ones negatives.. Why should one not be proud of himself for being a great singer... Its but obvious that Emon had a great voice.. and its parody that he should be in tears because of it.

Why can't people accept somethings.. If he is bad.. he will be voted out.. and should be too...but what I can't understand is why the judge thinks he might be voted out because he is good.. and he loves himself for it.. God is this what we teach the young ones.. that guy is a solid 7 years younger to me.. and represents the gen X and this is what we are projecting to them.. be guilty of ur talent, dont be proud of urself, from where can they build self dignity and self esteem then?
Love and confidence.. it all boils down to that... Love yourself for what u are good at.. not for what you aren't.. be honest about it, thats where ur humility lies.. not in the fact that u are guilty about ur goodness... and be confident of ur talents.. if u are honest.. it will come automatically..(ah but thats in a ideal world where there exist no people to make u feel sorry about urself). Love yourself.. truly.. only then can u expect some one else to fall in love with you.. if u think u are pathetic and expect that someone else will think u are wonderful and are waiting for them to come and tell you that.. so that u can start feeling good about it.. I'd say.. you are a fool!

Kya Hua Tera Vada

Yes.. I'm back after a longer break than I had intended to.. but hey things get tough sometimes .. these are perilous times when one has to work with more efficiency and more concentration.. and I deliver each time, however these are times when u can't really expect the other party to do the same... Isn't it a simple.. just do ur duty the way it should be done.. with a dash of dedication and a pinch of efficiency.. alas no one believes its simple any more.. "Hmm I will do it.. but later", "Ya.. i started to do ur stuff but something else came along.. " This is all one hears.. Can't I please reverse time.. esp back to a couple of generations back when Granpa would say something and it would get done in like minutes.. or for that matter even in dad's time.. right from the garage mechanic to the sabzi wala to his boss in the office.. all used to work with the same energy levels and the same consistency as he did.. and thing moved smoothly.. now there are road blocks and potholes.. and as a result nothing gets delivered on time.. and the quality is completly lost!

I keep remembering some tea ad when I was kid and was still in India, the ad went something like this.. the lady of the house does rounds, sees the mali etc. and scolds them this and that.. and is in hot mood, slumps down on a chair and says "Can't I find any consistency anywhere?" and then her husband sneaks a small cup of tea under her nose and she sniffs the same smell the same quality that has been there for years... the same tea! with the same consistency! Wow that was a brilliant ad... and look at the stuff being doled out on the name of creativity.. I love each of those dairy milk ads and even the coke ads.. but now.. the quality has really really dropped.. no consistency in creativity.. a couple of years back the friends who swore by me, think twice to drop by.. no consistency in relationships! I can cite many more such instances.. but whats the use.. its proven that the word "consistency" is endangered... and all it takes to recover is a little effort..

Khogaya yeh jahan...

Losing something always triggers something else in us.. either a simple action - a cleaning spree with hope that one might just find it... although we end up finding all but what we are looking for... else a kind of a strange sadness coupled with a feeling that "it should be here...I wonder why the universe always conspires to take things away from me". This week I have gone on a losing spree.. money mainly.. and then some books and yet some more things..like the mind.. and i miss it the most.

Isn't it strange though that whenever u lose something you keep searching.. in the most ridiculous of the places.. and over and over again.. ah.. its just a couple of hundred times.. may be the next one might turn out to be fruitful!!! Logic certainly leaves you!!! Check this video of a stand up comedian "George Carlin" and I am sure u will identify it as much as I did. He does not discuss losing money in gambling though!

Ah gambling.. the one vice that makes you win and win, and then lose and lose soo badly ..that u have nothing left in the end!! Sad.. but true.. the involvement in gambling is such that u can't really will yourself to get out.. there was a time when I used to tease my friends saying.. hey you never know when to stop .. but when it came to me .. I never stopped either.. had it not been so tragic.. it would have been comical! really you must've heard of rags to riches.. but then .. this was riches to rags.. one minute I was holding 150 and the next 10 mins I lose it all! hmm and to think of it.. roulette is supposed to be easier than the rest of the gambling games! next 3 hours was spent in thinking.. how did I do that... that wasn't me... yeah smart alec.. that was the Devil itself.. whom am I kidding... it was me .. I threw the money and played as though the devil may care! Hmm in the retrospective, it was not so bad.. I lost it.. but then it wasn't too depressing at that point.. until I returned home to get back to my usual studies and discovered that some of my books are missing... now where did they go??!! After hours of searching in vain.. I am here sitting in front of the computer taking out my frustration playing some monotonous game... and then I discover something : I lost my mind!! I am refusing to think of alternatives..its like...the whole worlds lost!! Khogaya yeh jahan....

Are Deewano Mujhe Pehchaano...??

What am I or Who am I.. which is the one that matters the most? I often come up with this puzzle of whether the person matter or the identity.. I agree that name and location and social status and all such stuff matters.. but how much does it weigh when there are a zillion other things that define ones personality.. I am a dancer, I am a painter, I am grad school student.. I am the one that has the cheek to go upto the engineering school Dean and say.. "hey.. ur face looks really familiar.. who are you.." hardy har har... but then that's me.. and that is what defines me.. I am an absent minded student who always loses her way back home.. but does it matter what my name is or which street I live in..? And yet people ask.. the first time they meet.. so what is your name..I wish I could say hyderabadi zafrani pulao.. as in Cheeni kum.. but alas I can't..and I am not a famous person that I have to say my name and details everytime I meet someone.. even on the net.. the first thing that a person asks is.. name and then ASL.. area, sex, location.. Grr..

Probably that's the reason why I can't remember the names of people I meet either.. I can talk to a person whom I've known in my school days and yet not remember her name.. I would vividly remember that she was the one who stole my lunch box and gobbled it up.. but I would not remember her name...:) .. Darn what if it were the other way round.. go up and say.. Hey tinku how are u.. and then not find a single thing that u remember.. but I guess that is a rare possibility.. if you can remember the name of the person then u will surely remember the details.. and yet people ask for names and id's.. Whats in the name? I could be sheela, meeta, raani or even asraani.. and in this age of the Internet no one would even know.. you can build an entirely different personal id.. and yet somehow there is much importance given to names ..

Why is it that people feel safer when someone says " hi my name is ....." than someone who says.. whats in the name.. u can call me whatever u want.. why the judgment against such a person? I think it might be that the secrecy of name, age, location might make others think that something is being held back ..may be she's linked with the underground.. may be she's a don.. why can't it just simply be .. may be she does not like her name.. or perhaps she's got too many ex's! whatever be the reason.. if its an informal meeting.. or over the net then i think its not at all necessary that one introduces themselves with names and mundane things like that..

There are so many times when i feel gosh.. I wish I could escape to a place where no one recognizes me.. I wish I could be just me.. or not be me.. be a character out of the loads and barrels of books I have read... alas no one prefers it these days.. not that I blame them.. its not a safe world anymore.. but there are harmless people wanting to have some harmless fun without the necessity of recognition spoiling the scene.. but that's just me.. a whole lot different from the rest of the world..I wish people would stop asking me who I am and rather question me on what i do, what I like, what I think, what I feel is right or wrong..what I am on the whole!

Cheeni Kum...

I'd rather call it Taaza Chai! after Dor, this was the only movie that had the power of conversations.. the essential part of everyones life.. but one hardly ever pays attention to it.. On the face of it its no different a story than any other love story.. except the fact that the groom is older than the bride's father! but it does not take a rocket scientist to understand that just a concept doesn't do good.. u need to build situations and plot around it..

The movie was a whiff of fresh air after all kinds of crap that was doled out last year... not to mention the drama of Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna.. that made infidelity look almost virtuous.. and Dhoom 2 that was nothing but Hrithik and Hrithik and more Hritik! guys.. give me a plot.. give good diaogues.. give me something to chew on all night .. all day.. not one movie comes up to the standard of Hrishi da's Anand.. every dialogbetween any two individuals is written with so much care and the direction absolutely flawless.. and here we are in a time where even a little wit in the dialogues are like really awaited for with baited breathe.. Its true.. sach mein tasavvur mein kangali ka daur chal raha hai.

Hmm I think I really needed that movie to shake me back to spirit after seeing one episode of Kyunki.. Bah.. no plot, no story.. crap! But enough of ranting.. Cheeni kum was nice..there were scenes that really stood apart.. esp the one with AB proposing to Tabu.. witty one " Shaadi woh price hai jo ek mard pay karta hai sex ke liye, aur Sex who price hai jo ek aurat pay karti hai shaadi ke liye.. shaadi ki yeh gehri philosophy jaan ne ke baad kya tum mujhse shaadi karogi?" Nicely written. Nicely executed..Its no doubt a much much larger than life movie.. complete unbelievable tale.. and it does take talent to underplay it so much.. just deliver the necessary.. and well make it real..

Even in the most emotional scenes with paresh rawal.. Tabu still maintains her dignity.. Paresh says ".. not untill I am alive.." and she says.. "ok when are u gonna die?" when both are dueling over her marriage. And thats quite natural.. and the father knows she's frustrated.. but doesn't mean what she just said.. lots of emotion.. few dialogues and great expressions from Tabu and Paresh! Overall in the movie.. if there was something that was a let down then it was the scene when AB hears that his dear friend died.. and reacts.. seemed a bit stretched.. but hey one or two things are allowed.. and ofcourse the ending wasn't really upto the standard of the rest of the movie.. especially the dialogue that Paresh says "Main bhi Lords chal saktha huin kya?"

But still.. it was good attempt.. after perhaps the first Munna Bhai.. that had a good plot.. but not great dialogs... and got a little too emotional again in the end.. but its good..Come to think of it.. that movie too did not have great sets or crazy numbers of extras dancing away to glory.. it had but a few actors who gave it their best shot.. and it was simple! Simplicity.. someone great said.. was the most difficult thing to achieve...Balki did.. waiting for the next!

Meri Aawaz Suno...

Meri aawaz suno.. listen to my voice.. its the best! thats what every individual thinks now a days.. at least the ones that go on all sorts of reality shows and contests that claim that they will make you the voice of nation an idol that can be looked upon.. etc. etc... but they ppl who are chosen as the best.. are rarely the best.. 'coz the contests are looking for well in one word.. and "all rounder" someone who looks good, who can sing well, who has the attitude and who can impress the crowd with talk and walk! wow! thats a lengthy list.. but who is like that..well thats what I ask.. but ppl who come for the contest.. and mind you every one of them.. thinks and oozes confidence.. but how? I remember after years of practice in on an instrument, I was still nervous to go in front of an audience.. and that is to say that me and the instrument worked like.. clockwork!

Huh but the confidence is certainly deceptive! Ooze confidence but no talent.. the coming up of Sanjaya in the American Idol goes to prove "talent? woh kis khet ki mooli hain".. or for that matter the winning of debojit over vineeth in sa re ga ma pa or winning of sandeep over karunya.. honestly speaking karunya had the talent.. but not the looks.. and Lord knows how many karunyas who are probably dark, short or stubby are working in the background as chorus singers or worse are working as software engineers.. crying out every minute for recognition as a person with one talent.. not many.. not a superman!

Talent searches earlier used to be concentrated on one person achieving something great in one area..TSE exam searched for the ones talented in areas of Math or physics or general knowledge.. not all at once.. and singing competitions looking for singers.. but the reality shows these days look for so many things in one individual.. that the effect is muddy! the person ultimately chosen is so-so at everything.. not great in everything.. he/she can certainly dance, sing, look good, talk the talk and walk the walk.. but only 20 to 50%.. not 100% in everything.. where as a person who is really talented is conveniently ignored giving him a title of an incomplete person! where as he/she is one complete in the true sense.. as there is that 100% in one dimension, in one area.. and he/she excels in it.. the rest are all mere details..

Does that not sound unfair? ignoring the talented to take up a person who is mediocre in all things? Jack of all and master of none? The pathetic part is that all these talent shows are being judged by public votes and its really sad that the general crowd now roots for mediocrity rather than the talent power house.. and they name it the "idol" and expect people to bow down and respect it! Injustice at its peak I say.. u listen to the singers who are selected in indian idol 2 and decide for urself

Ab Nazaare Hum Kya Dekhen..

What would be the best way to spend a Saturday night.. Partying.. going to the Royals game? Alas.. not one of these proved a lucrative enough cause .. and so I browsed and browsed until I came across this "free event" .. and no they were not giving away free food.. Hmm not that cheap.. It was a dance and story performance by a popular troupe choreographed by Doug Varone, who apparently has 38,700 Google search results.. hmm I thought.. might actually prove a good diversion from the mundane bowling and pooling.. and drinking and 'merrying'..not that I do all of that.. but still.. a dance performance seemed far more interesting... And so I call up.. and confirmed my spot in the crowd.. And surprise! got the front row seats.. well not quite..it was in the third from the stage.. but hey.. who's complaining.. as long as I get to see the performance..you know how it is these days with free events can't ensure anything!

And so i spent an hour dressing up.. for all I am worth.. and went to the center.. to treat my eyes to the "Dense Terrain" the latest of their dances. The hall is house full... except for the 7 seven seats beside me. Hmm.. conspiracy theory.. the universe always conspires to take away all good looking guys away from me.. now a days it seems to be conspiring to take away even people sitting beside me :) Oh well that's a different route..

And so it started.. the performance.. a video projected up on the milky white screen.. and lights dimmed out.. and close up image of the mouth of a bearded guy appeared on the screen muttering some mumbo jumbo.. hmm I thought..not a very sightly scene.. but I waited.. with baited breath.. for something to happen.. but nothing did and for a whole 3 minutes that frame was nearly still.. except for the mutterings.. which were quite meaningless.. and I had the strange feeling that its gonna be a loooong free event!

The performers did eventually come.. and voila.. they crawled on the floor like babies.. they jumped up and down.. rather unsymmetrical and sat on chairs.. I picked my brain as much as I could.. to see if I could make any sense.. and then the saga went on and on.. with more people crawling jumping sitting and the in the background the image changing.. the bearded man apparently grew tired of just muttering so he started scribbling.. on walls.. and yes again meaningless stuff.. to the more intellectual people those scribbling may have looked like hmm lets say wavelets.. but to me they were nothing more than black marks on a good nice wall.. and then the artists left the stage..Perplexed.. I sat there.. and then the the performers arranged the chairs as they would be in a classroom.. Ah.. I thought, now finally I see a formation.. a symmetry... some things up.. and what do I see.. well nothing! the person in the video is now lecturing the people sitting on the stage.. I think to to myself.. there's got to be something I am missing in this.. then they all leave the stage except fr two male artists.. and they performed what I would call the jumping homo jelly beans! Arghh.. I was already getting frustrated.. when these two went away and and another two came in.. this time. a woman and a man.. and well they did the same things! hmm.. I thought.. can't they get any more creative? Whats the point?
They went off.. and then came walls! wow! that was something! artists pushed the "walls on wheels" to the center of the stage.. and well there is the bearded guy..."Surprisee!" well not really.. but still he was there.. and well from what I saw coming for the next 15 minutes.. it looked like either he dropped one of his lenses and was searching.. or had completely lost his marbles! And I was losing my patience..

And after that the show ended.. and all clapped..hmm .. what was this? it was not even a dance for Pete's sake! a story my foot! there was none.. what's the point..as these were reeling in my mind..a voice came from behind me.. "There got to be an explanation.. I just don't know what and where" it was an elderly gentleman.."I know!" I exclaimed.. happy that some one else at least thinks like me! Hmm I thought.. a crazed out middle school teacher with students perhaps I thought and I voiced my opinion.. the old gentleman agreed! and I walked out.. thinking.. wow! that was some performance.. with no ballet.. not much symmetry.. no great costumes..(it was there final dance rehearsal before there went out to ticket buying public.. that's why it was free)...no story.. even if there was, there was no point..in telling it.... Rahul of DTPH had better ideas even if it was a sickly sweet love story! overall it was a big flop show! and while I was trying to come out of the room.. a guy beside me said "you know I could have gone to the royals game.. see what you've done.. now I am depressed!" to his wife.. hmm I thought.. we'll looks like I am doing better than that! Hats off to creativity!!! But I have seen and been in better ones!

Is Raat Ki Subah Nahin...

Yesterday I was watching this terribly depressing movie.. Provoked.. which has Ash in it playing the role of the lady who changed the entire outlook towards women and oppression in the world of jury - Kiranjeet Ahluwalia. But the main thing is after seeing a photo where a Dalit woman is being hit with a bamboo stick on the road, the stuff shown in the movie seemed a little pale.. which is probably not fair.. but I tend to think if the beat up his woman on the road, then think of what happens inside. And then as the protagonist says in the movie .. the woman is expected to shut up and take it all for the sake of a false honour in the society. Why us? why should the woman take all that? Why should we swallow our self esteem and pride.. and be like a doormat to the man? Sleep with him.. else be raped..and this is the very person who promises to honour you and love you for not just this but the coming few lives even.. If you think these things don't happen any longer.. and this was an incident that took place oh so long ago in 1989 ..think again.. in fact look again.. there are very few women who are actually happy with marriage.. and most of them are the people who understand each other and not treat each other like objects of play.. be it normal or sadistic.

If its not physical abuse.. in bed or out.. its mental tension.. all over the place.. stifled with thoughts about him, his ego, his approval..its like what Tabu says in Astitva, In being Mrs Aditi Shrikant Pandit.. just the Aditi got lost somewhere... and while there are billions of women identifying themselves with the statement.. there are hardly any men willing to accept it even, let alone get the same feeling..would it not be nice if a man came up and said.. I lost my identity being your husband.. but never..even if they feel that their ego would stop them from uttering a word.

Well having said all that.. I still believe there are decent husbands in this world.. who view their wives as companions and not sex toys.. and there are a lot more who think the world about their wifes.. its the ratio that matter.. this versus that.. and of course the torturers win! You'd be surprised at how many of them are the educated lot who think that their education gives them a right to dictate terms in their spouses life and decisions.. I agree there should be mutual consent.. but then imposing ones ideas and decisions or for that matter even opinions is not a birth right! Hmm.. come to think of it.. its better that one stays single... than lie on the bed with a man who neither thinks not behaves in a civilized way, with move love and affection than ego , arrogance or passion.. and stare in to the ceiling or the revolving fan and think...Is Raat Ki Subah Nahin (There is no end to this night)

Yeh Jo Hain Zindagi

Hmm.. continuing on the last post.. there have been several things happened last week that made me think about the civility in people.. My dad used to say "Common Sense is the most rarest sense found in a man" well I agreed at that point, but lately I have come to think of it as Civic Sense is the one that is the rarest well the last post I said how I had to keep quiet and grin despite the loud music.. coz it was someone else's property.. well now the someone else comes to my property and does not pay heed to my choices and restrictions.. comments on how my paintings look and how my educational institution is and that our country's army is not fit to go to war!! Huh I think.. how dare he does that, despite the fact that he knows half my family is from the defense forces.. well well.. according to me anyone who thinks that fighting for the nation is trivial and peanuts they should be asked to undergo a compulsory training in those harsh environments.. the soldiers are with constantly vigilant at the borders of the country protecting it with their lives and thats the cost they pay for us to breathe free air.. just because we are no longer on our motherland does not mean that we can look down upon their efforts and their supreme scrifices!

How insensitive can a person be.. I agree that everyone is entitled to have his/her opinions but there is a place and time to voice it and and then of course call it your opinion.. don't declare it as though its the universal truth! Especially not when there are people around who can take it very personally. There is a limit to how much of the other person I can take, especially if the person means no more to me than a acquaintance turned friend.. for the past one year.. it definitely calls for more politeness from the other quarter. Is it so difficult to think before you talk.. actions and words have a lot of importance .. and they can be misinterpreted very easily.. in such a delicate web of society if a person decides to rip apart the thin lines that bind us by speaking the wrong things in front of the wrong people and at a very wrong time.. then what more can one say... except that its a pitiful situation. But then.. I still kept quiet.. after the noisy lot left, I came back and thought.. why did I keep quiet.. I should have told something, he needs to be at least apologetic about it.. if not anything else..but then I did not.. 'coz it just seems so rude.. and as my mom says "Athiti devo bhava" .. A guest is like God.. do not ill treat.. and so I keep mum.. but then swords are crossed.. either he learns manners or quits talking.. If the cost of friendship and entertainment is restriction of choice and comments on personal achievements be it myself or my family.. then that is not worth paying.

There are some rules in life that people should follow if they want to live in a society comprised of different people with different cultures, tastes, and backgrounds. I don't say sacrifice your choice of things for the sake of being a social being.. but then don't hurt others sentiments by your words.. the universe always conspires to bring back the good/evil you do unto others.. some day you're bound benefit/regret what you've done..

Alas, this is life (yeh jo hain zindagi) .. and these are the kind of namoonas (characters) you see day by day!

Dum lagake...

Is it necessary that one has to try hard to fit into the good books of another.. How important is it to "be nice" ? I have a lot of friends.. who love heavy metal.. and make the car a disco type environment when going on drives... but I am quiet as a church mouse at that point... and let it out when they are in earshot.. hmm its their car, their wish.. its civil to shut up.. and bear.. and there are many more instances like that... so the question is.. is it fair that I be subjected to this torture as a compensation for their friendship? They are all nice people, but for this one thing.. and couple more perhaps.. nothing I can't grin and bear...and there I go again.. pushing myself into something I don't necessarily have to put up with!

Well its a wonder sometimes how many things I get pushed into.. education.. hardly ever had a choice.. even if I was given one.. I'd choose the one that fits best into the society.. Engineer.. doctor..all thats there...pushed into relations because I can't say "NO". And I am very sure I am not an isolated case.. there are many like me who feel that in the deemed and esteemed eyes of the society and circle of friends you should be so-and-so and have so-and-so qualities.. Hmm why the society and friends you may ask.. but the fact remains.. although we have an identity of our own, we still are are apart of a bigger game here.. and well lets face it loneliness is something that is fatal..slow poison as they say.. I have not met a person in life with no human interaction for years together.. you have to have someone.. alas you never find the perfect one.. the one that adjusts to all the stuff that u do.. its give and take.. hmm but then again, how much can u give and how much can u take.. thats how much you have to "push" yourself..

Take for instance the current youth, the gen X ..(I belong to gen W) they feel the pressure on them to change themselves into style gurus and popular divas to fit in.. else they are afraid of being left out..and as a result, the ages of tradition and culture is being washed away.. all thats left is "fit in" culture.. which is hip-hop and glamor and highlighted hair. I agree you can change yourself and make over... but only if you wish to.. not because some x,y,z on the road wishes so..let alone friends..how does it matter if you are overweight or underweight.. as long as you are healthy.. but nay.. society is for those who can wear the stylish clothes ..rather fit into stylish clothes.. so what if I have to become anorexic for it.. or resort to eating fatty food..

But alas.. sense does not prevail when we take decisions that affect our life for the "appeal" of others.. but then again.. we all do to an extent wish that you be known amongst the people around you as the sweetheart! and so you push yourself..Dum lagake ...

Main Khayyal Huin

Main khayyal huin --- Means I am a thought..and yes I did flick the dialog off an old epic serial aired on TV when I was a kid.. every episode used to start with "Main samay huin.." meaning I am time.. its after the passive viewer of every life on this and other universes. On the other hand there is a thought.. very much active alive.. thriving in everyone's mind... frolicking from a definite form to a random thought and then blowing itself to an indefinite sphere.. and then.. reality comes forth and u realize how difficult it is to trace back the trail of thoughts that occurred.. where did it all start.. and where have I come to? Which one to be.. the thought of course.. just for the reason that its simpler..

There are too many things in the world to think about... is it a surprise then that a thought is more random than the most random noise that can be found in the current wireless comm systems.. hmm.. so let me start off on one...I have often begun thinking about happiness and laughter.. and the pleasant things that I have had in life.. and end up getting depressed.. hmm interesting isn't it that I end up at exactly 180 degrees across from where I begun..

Well.. its true isn't it that life is like a sine wave.. once high once low.. but then isn't body a system and the mind its controller. No matter where the pointer of life is on a crest or a trough, mind always makes sure it remains at DC... not moving anywhere..hmm interesting .. but only in thought.. not in reality.. it takes tremendous effort to be a passive observer of your own self and control the moves you make. But the truly great manage to do that.. I wish I knew the secret to success in E control.. and that's E for emotion.. not E for energy!! and then of course the classic question that I ask myself every time I try to practice it.. " Is it really that necessary that I exhibit control.. isn't life meant to be lived?" and so.. I am a thought..